Gay men in locker room
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It was a key moment in our loving but complicated relationship.
Sometimes, though, I wonder what my life would look like if I weren’t “toughened up,” like they wanted: if I learned it was OK to be sensitive, enjoy styling someone’s hair and play with girls — or boys — if I wanted.
I wish I could say I’ve rid myself of all I learned in the homophobic/homoerotic football matrix; some of the crusty, outdated lessons I learned die hard.
There are lots of hugging and touching, and some more-than-friendly behaviors, but a lot of that are simply implied in their facial expression more than anything else.
I have long found this unspoken bond between men fascinating — this bond which is not only seen amongst gay men, but straight guys also. I was good at it, and, like most teenage boys, I wanted to fit in.
The absence of openly gay players in football made him hesitant to come out, fearing it would be a distraction to his teammates and coach. Five of my freshman teammates were arrested or kicked out of school for gang-raping a teenage girl. To Mom and Dad — who were born during the Great Depression under Jim Crow — my impending queerness was obvious.
After an offseason workout, a teammate looked me up and down and told me I’d gotten buff. If, as Alfred Kinsey famously declared, one in 10 men are gay, odds are there are more than a few gays among the 1,600 men who play in the National Football League, the 8,100 students on college teams and the 1.2 million boys who suit up in high school.
The fear of being outed by former partners loomed over him during his time on The Bachelor, causing significant anxiety.
In 2021, Underwood made headlines by coming out as gay, becoming the first lead in The Bachelor franchise to do so. Nassib, who is white, was a top-tier NFL player when he came out in 2022, but retired two seasons later; no active player has come out since.
“From one angle, football is a hyper-macho sport where men are strong, women are cheerleaders and the weak are probably homosexual and must be shunned.
There are lots of technical information in my description, and it’s easier to read them if it’s displayed in the Videos section instead of shorts. He’d click out a word in blue-and-white plastic — PUSSY — and slap it to the back of the kid’s helmet.
Later, at my Tennessee high school, the locker room was home to what I’ll call the homophobic/homoerotic matrix: alpha-male jocks loudly displaying their machismo, but also playing with homosexuality, albeit in a whistling-past-the-disco kind of way.
I was sexually attracted to girls, but I was kind of a nerd, so I tried to avoid the matrix whenever possible; it made me uncomfortable.
Growing up in a Catholic school, he was taught that boys should be attracted to girls, which made his self-discovery process even more challenging.
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Before becoming a reality TV star, Underwood played professional football. Often, the amount and level of bromance is so strong that it‘s sometimes hard to distinguish that from gay lovers.
He described the locker room environment as both homophobic and homoerotic, with mixed messages that made it a confusing and hostile place for someone closeted.
Underwood shared that he avoided showering with his teammates and even refrained from partying, worried that alcohol might lead him to reveal his true self.
From another angle, it’s all kinds of homoerotic.”
What’s more, just a handful of Black NFL players have come out after hanging up their uniforms — even though the league is 53 percent Black.
Given what’s at stake, from fan admiration to product endorsements, it shouldn’t be surprising that Sam, Nassib and Perkins haven’t led a Pride parade out of the football closet.
All of which hints that, while much has changed about football culture since I played in the 1980s — Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Wiliams, a top draft pick, is fond of pink lip gloss and fingernail polish, and Jacksonville Jaguars strength coach Kevin Maxen is out and proud — a lot seems to have stayed the same.
I’m still working on it.”
Age, acquired wisdom, and evolving definitions of masculinity have weathered away the more toxic elements of the matrix that I’d absorbed during my football career. We held hands in the huddle. But I always shrank a little when one receiver, a loud, street-smart brother with blazing speed and an attitude, would yell out the same rape joke in the shower line on the rare, joyous occasion of a win on Saturday.
“Don’t drop the soap!” he’d shout.
I wouldn't trade the experience because I loved the sport and graduated college with zero student-loan debt.
But it took me years, and a lot of therapy, to come to grips with the fact that my parents introduced me to football as preparation for life in America. Sexual attraction to another man is taboo.
Throw in some Black masculinity stereotypes — brute strength, natural machismo, hypersexual — and the picture is more complicated, especially for a shy, chubby bookish kid with glasses who sometimes played with girls.
I went to Yale, and the school color is blue and white. I’m still working on it — still developing.
I just hope there are players, coaches, teams and parents out there that are doing the same.
Joseph Williams
Joseph Williams is The Reckoning’s Race & Health Editor. “‘Cause if you do, I gotcha!”
Life in the college football matrix included “meat peeping:” checking out your teammate’s junk on the sly to see who’s packing (our white-boy kicker killed that stereotype).
He lives and works in metro Washington, D.C.