Masculine gays
Home / gay topics / Masculine gays
This “innocent young boy” image he is so drawn to, is a projection of the abandoned boy that still exists within himself. Through this resolution, he no longer has the compelling need to reenact his reparative sexual fantasy.
————————
(*) This phenomenon is similar to the Stockholm Syndrome in which captives identify with their abductors.
As Erick explains, “There are definitely queer cults to the Goddess throughout history. Terms like “masc for masc” and “no fems” continue to circulate on dating apps, reinforcing the idea that desirability is tied to adhering to a specific form of masculinity. From Mansfield again: “Pay attention, says the manly man, which means pay attention to me.
However, the industrialization of the 19th and 20th centuries cemented a more hyper-masculine ideal, one that positioned strength, dominance, and stoicism as central characteristics of masculinity.
This industrialized form of masculinity has resulted in widespread bullying, ridicule, and rejection for many gay men who do not conform to these expectations.
It can also instill:
Courage. In the cult of Inanna in Sumeria, trans people were like divine.”
In modern times, many gay men connect with the feminine divine through popular culture figures who embody resilience, transformation, and unapologetic self-expression. As I prepare to lead a course on this topic—“How to be a Man When You Don’t Like Football"—I’ve been reading widely in the area of gender identity, testosterone, and evolutionary psychology.
Gay men are liable to feel incredibly insecure over their masculinity, a kind of internalized homophobia that leads them to idolize 'masc 4 masc', 'gaybros' and [to] shame and oppress femme men.”
Here we see one of the most common defenses against shame: getting rid of it by offloading or projecting it onto somebody else; in this case, one of those “femme men.” In effect, “masc” men who humiliate “femmes” repeat the shame trauma of their own youth, when they felt oppressed by narrowly defined cultural views of masculinity that made them feel damaged or defective.
So this masculine type of homosexual now gives protection and “love” (albeit sexualized) to the youth, something which he himself once longed for.
Therapy necessitates guiding the masculine homosexual client with such a background toward abandoning the false macho, hyper-masculine facade and discovering his genuine masculine self. New York: Morrow.
Many gay men grew up feeling ashamed of not conforming to cultural expectations about “real boys” or “real men.” Especially during middle and high school, they may have been bullied or publicly humiliated because of their difference—made to feel like outsiders and not “one of the boys.” They may have found it easier relating to women than men, though they didn’t fully belong to the girl group, either.
Every gay man I’ve seen in my practice over the years has had a conflicted, troubled relationship with his own masculinity, often shaping his behavior in destructive ways.
Rock Hudson: His Story. We enjoy belonging to a group of men who are like us and no doubt we need it. These "divas," whose names come from the Italian word for "goddess," provide a framework for many gay men to navigate their identities in a world that often marginalizes them.
Erick suggests that embracing both masculine and feminine aspects allows gay men to break free from the limiting confines of societal gender expectations.
In these situations, to show weakness often provoked greater assault and so denial of their vulnerability was necessary for survival.
This maneuver into a hyper-masculine façade is a “reaction formation,” which entails, as Freud said, an “identification with the aggressor.” It is a primitive form of self-protection in which the victim gains a fantasy security by imitating the feared person (*).
This same shift in identity is also seen in the masculine lesbian who may have perceived her mother – and therefore femininity – as weak; such a person therefore joins, through identification, with her mother’s spouse (the father) and she becomes Daddy’s little boy.
The masculine-type homosexual man often displaces his own need for love, comfort and protection onto a younger, weaker male.
The tension between societal expectations of toughness and the vulnerability within their identities can lead to emotional and psychological challenges. Men tend to have a stronger sex drive, to want more sexual partners, and to find casual sex more acceptable than women do. In his book, Manliness, Harvard professor Harvey Mansfield writes that “manly men are not modest.” Manliness “seeks and welcomes drama.” I invite you to think once again about “outrageous” behavior, especially at Gay Pride parades.
Mindfulness and meditation offer an opportunity to reconnect with the self in a way that isn’t governed by societal ideals of masculinity.
Erick explains that mindfulness allows individuals to return to their most authentic selves, offering a gentle reconnection with their true identity.